


What Has Big Hero 6 Ever Done for Us?

by Lemonsmoothie



Category: Big Hero 6: The Series (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Monty Python homage, Parody, The San Fransokyo PD is not as oblivious as Cruz, Whatever Happened to Cruz's predecessor?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29405553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonsmoothie/pseuds/Lemonsmoothie
Summary: A parody of the What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us sketch from Monty Python's Life of Brian. Mentions of violence, including a reference to suicide. Chief Cruz asks his underlings, "What has Big Hero 6 ever done for us?!"
Kudos: 1





	What Has Big Hero 6 Ever Done for Us?

“What Has Big Hero 6 Ever Done for Us?”   
A Big Hero 6: The Series Fanfic by Lemonsmoothie

Disclaimer: Big Hero 6 belongs to Disney. The “What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us” sketch is from Monty Python’s Life of Brian and this is meant to be an homage. At least, it started off as a parody of the sketch and then I was trying to pick a POV because I doubt any fans want to read a story from Cruz’s POV. And then I hit on Detective Kato. 

Note: This story does mention suicide. 

My father used to tell me that the nail that sticks out is the first to get nailed. That all I had to do in life was keep my head down. 

I used to think being a police officer was about catching bad guys and making the streets safe. But it seems a lot of what I do nowadays is file paperwork and sit in meetings rather than solve cases. 

You see, our Police Chief is the former Police Chief of the suburb Palau Alto. His name is Diego Cruz. Our last police chief, Warren Rodney, unfortunately…

Well, it is a very long story, so I’ll give the condensed version. A diabolical mad scientist, Bob “Obake” Aken, quietly schemed to blow up San Fransokyo. Big Hero 6 managed to catch wind of the plot and kept the shockwave from reaching San Fransokyo. 

Chief Rodney gave a press conference in which he thanked Big Hero 6 for their service. But after giving that address, he went into his office. Everyone had gone home for the day. He…there is no delicate way to put this. He took a shotgun and killed himself. And his secretary found him the next morning. The autopsy revealed he had taken a large amount of aspirin, to thin his blood and make sure he’d bleed out. 

His note had been typed out on his computer. I have failed the people of San Fransokyo. I can only hope my death will be a sufficient apology for my dereliction of duty…

The transition between the two chiefs wasn’t smooth, but I guess when one leaves in such an unexpected and ugly manner, that’s to be expected. 

“Why does everyone look so horrified when I ask them to meet me in my office?” Chief Cruz asked me a week after he assumed office. 

“It has a bad reputation,” I explained. “Pretty much everyone considers it haunted.” 

To that, Cruz scoffed. “Superstitious nonsense.” 

Cruz was not superstitious, clearly. But what worried me is that he had some sort of chip on his shoulder the size of a log, both toward our resident superheroes and Chief Rodney. I don’t know if he connected Big Hero 6 to Chief Rodney’s suicide, but he immediately removed all of Chief Rodney’s portraits from the station. Or any reminder that Chief Rodney was ever there. Even his name became a taboo subject. 

So now we were sitting in a meeting. The most high ranking detectives seated around an oval table along with some token lower-ranked members. Cruz was seated at the end, a little podium in front of him. It was starkly different from how Chief Rodney would conduct meetings: if we were sitting in his presence, we would immediately stand up. I figured Chief Cruz was trying to establish an air of solidarity, much like he chose to wear our uniform. Chief Rodney wore a finely pressed suit. He hadn’t worn a rank-and-file uniform in years. 

But I suppose comparing the two doesn’t do us any good now. 

Chief Cruz called the meeting to order. And it was obvious what this meeting was about. “How do we solve a problem like Big Hero 6? They have run roughshod over this city and turned it into their personal playground! And what have they ever given us in return?” 

“Stopped Obake?” said Detective Rivers. 

“What?” Cruz asked. 

“Stopped Obake,” Rivers repeated herself. 

“Oh, yeah. They did do that,” Chief Cruz began. 

Detective Redgrave, the most sardonic member of our tribe, broke in. “They also turned the monsters Diane Amara made back into humans!” 

“Oh, yeah,” said another detective. “She was one crazy dame.” 

“I’ll grant that stopping Obake and Diane Amara are two things Big Hero 6 has done,” Chief Cruz said. “But…” 

“Countering the giant robots,” said another detective. 

“Well, obviously the giant robots! The robots go without saying, don’t they?” Chief Cruz said, rolling his eyes. “But aside from the robots, Obake, and Diane Amara…” 

“They’ve protected our schools ever since Yokai firebombed SFIT,” Redgrave said. 

“They rescued you from that crazy Hardlight guy?” said another detective. “Hardlight did want Big Hero 6 to stick around and he might have killed you…” 

The other detectives murmured amongst themselves. “Huh, heh…huh…” 

“Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough…” Cruz seemed to concede. 

“And the savings to our budget!” said Rivers. 

“Yeah, that’s really something we’d miss if Big Hero 6 left,” said another detective. “Huh…” 

“The crime rate is the lowest it’s ever been!” Redgrave said. 

“And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night!” added Rivers. “They used to call it Good Luck Alley because you needed good luck to get out alive.” 

“They certainly know how to keep public order. Let’s face it, they’re the only ones who could in a place like this,” Redgrave amended. 

…Said the high-ranking police detective. And dammit, Redgrave. You’re not just poking the bear here. You’re hitting the bear with a baseball bat…

This wasn’t lost on the others, who laughed nervously. 

Chief Cruz scowled. He was really not having a good meeting at all. “All right, but apart from stopping Obake and Diane Amara, protecting the city from robots, keeping our educational institutions safe from supervillains so the tragedy at SFIT won’t be repeated, saving me from Hardlight, the savings to our budget, less crime, and public order …WHAT HAS BIG HERO 6 EVER DONE FOR US?!” 

I couldn’t stop myself. I meekly raised my hand. “Um, brought peace?”

Too late. My big mouth. I should have learned my lesson when I pointed out that Big Hero 6 had saved his life from Hardlight and his response was only “That changes nothing!” 

“Oh, peace…?” Cruz snarled. “SHUT UP!” He slammed his fist down on the podium so hard I was surprised I didn’t hear bones cracking. He stopped and seemed to be counting to ten mentally. “OK, if you don’t agree with me that Big Hero 6 needs to go, you’re all fired.” 

And what could I say? 

“Detective Kato?” 

My head snapped up. “Yes, Chief?” 

“I believe you wanted to say something about Big Hero 6?” 

“They’re…” The nail that sticks out is the one that gets nailed. If I lost my pension, who was going to take care of Mom and Dad…? My worthless siblings certainly weren’t. “They’re disgusting.”

“And the city would be better if they just went away, right?” 

“…Yes.” I said. 

Chief Cruz seemed happy with my answer. 

Yeah, Kazuya. If you were a soldier, you’d wear a red uniform so you’d never see blood on you. Yours or the enemy’s. Just pretending everything is fine. It suits you indeed. 

After our sting operation, I was ordered to watch Big Hero 6. The four of them we caught, at least. I didn’t unmask them or proceed with the booking. I just stood at attention. Fortunately, they were silent, even the weird lizard guy with seeming diarrhea of the mouth. What else could I say? “Sorry, I sold you out for my pension?” “Sorry Chief Cruz hates you?” “Sorry that Chief Rodney is no longer around?”

Of course you know that they later saved the city from two monstrous androids. 

It’s arrogant of me to say that if I had spoken up, things might have been different. I am a normal person with no exceptional abilities, after all. But it keeps me awake at night. What if the worst had come to pass? Judas Iscariot sold out one man. I would have sold out an entire city just for financial security. 

Religious people say that in the afterlife, you get to see all the people who have died before you again. If that’s true, I’m an atheist. Because there is absolutely no way I can face Chief Rodney once I leave this world. 

The End.


End file.
